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kbnoaenbo;dnb'odnkfb [23 May 2008|10:56pm]
[ mood | pissed off ]

i dont even want to talk about it... 

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it's been years.... [16 May 2008|10:48pm]
[ mood | sad ]

i haven't used this thing in ages. Let alone do i doubt anyone else does nowadays.  it took me a good minute to remmeber the password!  now to get to the point - i posted a blog on my myspace to vent to those who were getting to me. Then i realized the two people who needed to read it couldn't because it's a private page.

So whether you read this today, tomarrow, in a month, or in a year - you'll read it eventually. You'll pass it on and you'll both understand. you'll understand that how much both of you hurt me. you'll understand how betrayed i felt when everything went down & how i miss having both of you in my life. it's the little things that make me think of you and the crazy gossip that makes me want to pick up the phone and call. the bad times when i need a good friend to talk to until i feel as though i'm all talked out. When those times come around is when i miss you guys the most. When i wonder why everything had to happen the way that it did.  Everyone knows that friends grow apart and eventually lose contact with one another but i never expected to lose either of you. How did that voicemail go again? My peechy-keen perfect life? No one ever said i was perfect and i damn sure never tried to act it. i bust my ass for the things i have in life. i work my ass off to keep myself out of debt and make ends meet. I'm sorry i was never the party type or the big drinker. Yea, i'd have to admit when it comes to being out-going i need a lil help but ya know what, i like who i am. i like spending time at home watching movies, playing cards, or just sitting around bullshitting all night. i dont have the money to waste going to the bars and casinos. i have bills to pay and a life to keep up with. I know between the both of you it's rob that you blame. i never understood that. i'm sorry that i'm happy and found someone that loves me as much as i love him. i'm sorry that i decided that i wanted to settle down at a young age. he doesnt hold me back though. i still do what i want just as much as he does what he wants. he didnt take me from you guys. if anything it was being an adult and being on my own that took me away. i dont think anyone ever realizes how hard it is living on your own. the bills never stop. the money is never enough. it's a constant fight to make ends meet.  this past week i've heard from the both of you in one way or another...WHY? you both made it obvious that friendships were ended. i'm getting over that. slowly but i am. as time goes by its memories that keep coming back. i'm not ready to be civil. you've both made the past few months of my life hell. between the 4am phone calls from ram's horn to all the magazines in rob's name and of course all the prank phone calls. which reminds me the oompa loompa voicemail actually made me laugh once i figured out what the hell was screaming in my ear. I'm not childish. I dont understand why you have to be. I didn't flood your mail box with bullshit or blow your phones up with private calls at all hours of the day. i simply let you go. i'm an adult. i'm not a kid. i don't know if i could ever be friends with either of you again. like my blog below says...my heart was broken and in the worse way. it takes time to heal, if it ever does. when it comes down to it whether any of us ever speak again or not - i will always miss you guys. i'll never forget the memories and i have more than enough pictures to make me always remember the good times. pictures are worth a million words. i hope what you've read has hit home. i hope you find it in your hearts to realize that i'm being sincere and truthful with what i feel. i hope this situation is no longer a joke to either of you. mostly, i hope at some point ths entry makes your cry because lord knows i have quite a few times with writing both of these entries. goodbye for now!

(taken from myspace blog)
At times, i have a way with words....
Sometimes the most unexpected happenings make you think. They make you think of the past, the present, and the future. They make you think of the good times, the bad times, and the just plain unforgetable times. Mostly, they make you realize what is real and true in life and appreciate who and what you have. When I heard about Shelia's passing on the news it sort of hit home. For me, less than how it effected those of you that kept in touch with her and were good friends with her. It's always shocking to hear that someone you grew up with and knew has passed. Especially at such a young age. She was a beautiful, intelligent, and caring person who was definately taken too soon....Her unexpected death is what has been making me think these past few days. It makes me think of high school and all the friends that I never kept in touch with. It makes me think of the friends that I cared most about who aren't here anymore. Mostly it makes me thankful for the friends that I've kept and I know I can turn to at any moment - they'll be there. They're the true friends every girl needs. It makes me think of a saying I used to hear all the time..."I'd rather have five best friends in this life time than a hundred aquaintences!"

I got  a text the other night from a person who asked me two questions...Do I miss the things I used to have? The true friends? Since I never responded to this I decided to put all my thoughts into one post. I don't miss the things I used to have because I still have them today. The true friends? I have those too and apparently they're individuals who are more true than some of you in my past. They're the ones who wouldn't try to bring me down & hurt me for no apparent reason. They're the ones that no matter what the situation might be, have been there for me. These are people that I've known for a lesser time than I have known you. Where did that text come from? Was it out of spite & humor or was there actual feeling behind it? You say I'm the main person you miss - you did this to yourself. You threw twelve years of a friendship down the drain for what?!?!? That's what I still don't understand. Why did you try to hurt me so bad? What did I do wrong? There was never a time that I wasn't there for you even when you lived 12,000 miles away. You've been my best friend since the fourth grade. You ended our friendship on your own. Now months later you want to text me and tell me that you miss me and your sorry? Is it really that easy in your mind? I can't forgive you. Not right now and not in five months from now. Years down the road, I will try to. Like I've done with other friends who did the similar things. I can be civil with them now, knowing then it was just high school bullshit but this time around, we weren't in high school - We were two adults. I just don't understand what happened. I don't understand why you tried so hard to hurt me and ruin the things that meant the most to me. You're the lil' sister that I never had. Your the one that had the shoulder for me to cry on thru all my heartbreaks and family problems. Your the one that was suppose to be there the day I get married, have my first baby, and through any other important life changing experience I encountered. I can't forgive you - You broke my heart & in the worst way. Until the time comes when I can forgive you - I have nothing more to say. You miss me? Well I miss you too chick. I miss the girls, the memories, the talks, the late nights, but mostly - my best friend....

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HaHa You Thought I Was Back - Im Not [17 Oct 2006|02:31pm]
[ mood | blah ]

More Amusing Than I'd ImagineCollapse )

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yes i know - im neglectful [11 Jul 2006|07:00pm]
[ mood | energetic ]

first thought - i dont know if i even spelt neglectful right, lol.

so i havent been here in awhile and the most amazing thing ever? i can actually see my layouts full version bc i have a monitor that works and a brand new computer that i absolutely adore. ive had it for maybe a month now and abuse it by DLing all the music that used to be on my old one plus a bunch of new stuff. whats next? a new computer desk bc i dont like this one very much anymore since i cant hook my printer up. thats my excuse to go to IKEA and spend money!!!

so not much has been going on as of late. work, and work, and work, and movies, and work some more. i finally got to spend some one on one time with rob last weekend which was nice bc i live with him but feel like i never spend time with him. i enjoyed it. went and hit golf balls, did the batting cages, finally got to play tennis after buying the stuff at meijer and pissing off the sales associate which is always a good time. it was a good day. we're suppose to go to the gun range this weekend with charlene but his mom and nephew are coming to town and are staying with us for a week so we'll have to see how that one works out.

me nicci and rob went to china buffet last night and i could have puked. not the type of food i like. they grossed me out by eating crab legs and freakin sushi. ::GAG:: :) i said i would try it tho and i kept my word - and then ended up eating chicken fingers and french fries. gotta love the american/kids food section. lol. i guess some people just never grow up. i know i hate growing up.

my plans for the day were to spend the day chillin at the pool with nicci and then what happens? its over cast and hot and it rains. so i cleaned my house after sitting around most of the day. its all good tho cuz it needed to be cleaned. hopefully we can go thru with our plans tomarrow if not i think she mentioned going to IKEA which excites me bc its been open for awhile now and i STILL havent been there. we'll just have to wait and see.

work is annyoing. i hate my schedule. i wish i could get outta woodhaven and just be back at dearborn full time. its not gonna happen tho. shirley said i might go back on wednesdays but even thats an if situation. im glad im not there tomarrow cuz all my new purina should be coming in on hollywood and i DONT want to deal with it. i told em to stick it on a cart and i'll deal with it on thursday. ima be kinda mad if they work anything in cuz i already have plans for where i want everything. Plus it will keep me busy and outta trouble. lords knows im good for gettin in to it!

im finally going to fill out my app for HFCC tomarrow and registar and shit and im hoping i can do everything online bc i dont want to deal with going to that arab filled school. not looking forward to it but im looking forward to finally getting back to school. im still gonna go for criminal justice as of right now but i dont know if i want to stick with that. im sort of up in the air about the whole situation but i figure if i go and take my basics at least im putting my foot in the door and getting started instead of just putting it off over and over again like ive been doing. besides my mom will be happy and hopefully my sister will get off my back.

mine and robs one year is coming around the corner quite fast. i want to do something for him only i dont know what bc i think i have to work that saturday but i know im off that sunday so i'll have to work something out with dearborns schedule and then figure out how to suprise him all at the same time. that and im not sure if we'll have the money to do anything. we should but who knows bc its the first of the month and every bill we have is all due at the same freaking time. i'll have to mess around with that one tho and see what i can pull off.

cali is gettin HUGE. i need to get her to the vet for her shots and to get her declawed and all that good shit. shes growing up so fast yet, shes still a lil bitch. gotta love her. i miss jug tho - alot. my mom just got another house phone and i set it up so that when she calls his pic pops up. i miss him. i cant wait to get a house and finally bring him home with me.

HmMm i dont know what else. i gotta finish makin dinner tho cuz rob should be home soon and im hungry so if i remember i'll update again soon and if not then i'll see this site in about another 3 months. lol.

oh and did i mention how i LOVE acting like a teenager once in awhile and gettin involved with drama? besides its a 100% better when your best friend is right at your side. LoL

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StoLeN [18 Apr 2006|01:43pm]
survey.Collapse )
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::burp:: [18 Apr 2006|12:57pm]
[ mood | sick ]

so i just leaned back to stretch and looked at my ceiling and theres a spot on it like a pop was spilled or some thing to that nature - kinda confusing.

im sick - ive been for about a week now and it really blows. Robs got my cold too which isnt making anything better bc i think we might be passing it back and fourth. fucking immune systems.

i feel like i should be at work today only im not - i think its cuz i went home early yesterday, not that i needed to but i really couldnt keep up with the flow of things anymore. its like everything was being played in slow motion and i thought i was about to pass the fuck out in the middle of the store. it sux. i have 2 days to get better and shit better pick up quick!

i have so many things i need to do and no way to get them done. i need to get to secretary of state, i need to get out to wayne before we pay his PO late again, i need to get to micheals and buy my lil fishy a new home bc i shattered his when i was trying to save his lil suicidal life, i need to transfer my prescription to some freakin store and get it filled, and i need to get to the docs before the end of the month but i dont think my insurance is going to cover the visit so im SOL and cancelled my appointment. nicci is gonna take me out to wayne tomarrow which is helpful but its like one down outta how many things? i feel bad on top of it bc shes doing me the favor which is awesome but im sure she doesnt want to be around me so its like a hassel at the same time. life sux.

Rob gets his first check this week, im half excited to see how much its gonna be. finally we wont be struggling anymore. im thinkin we're gonna try and put away as much as we can outta both our checks so we can buy me a car and that way no one is ever stranded with out a ride. which right now i dont mind to much bc its giving me the incentive to be lazy and relax hopefully getting over my cold, and to get things done around the house that ive been trying to do for the last week but putting off at the same time.

i want to mess with my scrap book but i have no tape, i need to do laundry and i have no want to do it at all, same with cleaning my bed room. i want to sleep most of all and i cant even do that.

my lil niece is coming home this week. shes been in the hospital for 3 months. shes gotten a bigger treak(?) put in and she weighs 12ibs now. last i heard she was coming home in may but i guess they changed their mind. the girls are excited. i kinda am too bc at least then i can see her. i havent seen her since xmas i think. and before that i seen her like when she was first born. ive never had it in me to go down to the hospital to see her cuz i think i would have broke down. shes so little and been thru so much, i dont know how my sister deals with it but im glad that she does. shes gonna be a year old already in march. shes already made it far longer than most doctors said she would & she still has tons of years to go.

last weekend me and my mom helped mandi move to ecorse. she left bill and he had no idea about it which made it sort of nerve racking bc we were at the house packing and we had no idea where he was or when he was coming back. nonetheless we got everything outta there with out him even knowing. it think she said he called at like 1am and was like what the fuck is going on. she stuck with it that she wasnt gonna let him know where she was livng and that she wasnt going to divorce him just yet but she was gonna do it apart for awhile so they could both get their shit together. i was proud of her. got her own house and everything. she was really sticking to her words. then easter rolled around and my mom called me and said guess who mandis having easter dinner with at her new house - bill. fucking moron. she just doesnt see reality for what its worth. when is she ever gonna learn?

im glad im not my sisters, i love them to death and i love my neices and nephews too, but i would never want to be in their situations, worrying about when the next time im gonna get my ass beat, or whether im gonna have the money to pay my rent, or having money stolen from me. i could live life that way, and i know they say their still with the guys bc of this kids but i think thats a crock of shit. none of us have ever grown up with our fathers in our lives. the two of them are lucky enough to know their fathers but know that they dont mean shit to their dads. same with me only i dont know him. so to sit back and say that they cant survive without the kids dad is insane. they'd both be better off and im sure a hell of alot happier. im glad that i found someone that makes me happy and doesnt make me worry about my safty, that supports what i do and doesnt start a fight about it, that supports my job and doesnt live off of me, and most of all that sees me for me and accepts me. thats why i love him. what isnt there to love about it?

HmMm im actually starting to feel a bit tired tho so i think ima put a DVD in and lay down.

update sometime soon.

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Another One Down..... [11 Apr 2006|05:22pm]
[ mood | disappointed ]

does it mean your a true fan when breaking news brings tears to your eyes?

i woke up this morning brushed my teeth, grabbed a smoke, layed back down in bed and turned on the news. it was like "breakin news next: well-known detroit rapper killed this morning".

at first i sat thinkin who the hell was it none of the regulars really crossed my mind. then the news came back on and they showed Proofs picture and i was like holy shit this isnt right. i guess there was some club fight and nonetheless he was shot in the head and killed.

i dont think listening to their music or any concerts will ever be the same. he had some badass talent in him. he was awesome. if it wasnt for him there would be no Eminem as we know today, which is really hard to believe.

its kinda like in the video of Toy Soliders, i can remember at the end proof gets shot and dies and they show the funeral and shit. it was fucked up like hey why you makin something like that Proof cant die, he'll never die, heh, now he did.

what a depressingly sad loss.

what is this world coming to?

::shakes her head::

d12 & em - whats gonna happen now?

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2hrs and 12mins Later & Im STILL On Hold [05 Apr 2006|01:51pm]
[ mood | cranky ]

This Is Where Being on Hold For Fucking Ever Gets Ya....

Thirteen random things you like:
1. Eminem
2. Code Red Mt. Dew
3. Dogs
4. Candles
5. Music
6. Traveling
7. Working
8. Scrapbooking
9. Parks
10. Pictures
11. Chocolate
12. Thunderstorms
13. Movies

Twelve movies:
1. Ten Things I Hate About You
2. You've Got Mail
3. When Harry Met Sally
4. Jersey Girl
5. A Cinderella Story
6. Just Like Heaven
7. How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days
8. The Shawshank Redemption
9. Fight Club
10. Loser
11. Finding Nemo
12. A Man Apart

Eleven good bands/artists:
1. Eminem
2. Aerosmith
3. Tim McGraw
4. Good Charlotte
5. Bowling For Soup
6. Staind
7. Pink
8. Ja Rule (old stuff)
9. 50 Cent
10. D12
11. James Blunt

Ten things about you physically:
1. Brown Hair
2. Hazel Eyes
3. 5'7"
4. Overweight
5. Horrible Feet (LoL)
6. Freckles
7. Alot Of Scars
8. Fairly Nice Teeth
9. Really White
10. LONG Hair

Nine good, close friends: in no particular order....
1. Shannon
2. Samantha
3. Nicci
4. Candice
5. Jess
6. Chris
7. wow, ive lost touch with alot of ppl

Eight favorite foods/drinks:
1. Code Red Mt. Dew
2. Orange Faygo
3. Pepsi
4. Cherry Coke
5. Pizza
6. Taco Bell
7. Coney Island
8. Anything my momma cooks (LoL)

Seven things you wear daily:
1. Bra
2. Panties
3. Socks
4. Pants
5. Shirt
6. Shoes
7. Hoodie/Jacket

Six things that annoy you:
1. Being On Hold For 2 Damn Hours
2. When Someone Starts To Say Something And Then Says "Nevermind"
3. Bad Drivers
4. When Ppl Take Their Bad Days Out On Me
5. Rude Customers
6. My Job

Five things you touch everyday:
1. Rob
2. My Fishs Food
3. My Cell Phone
4. My Toothbrush
5. My Smokes

Four shows you watch:
1. Gilmore Girls
2. First 48
3. Intervention
4. Real World

Three things you couldn't live without:
1. Rob
2. Family
3. Friends

Two things you hate:
1. When People Wont Let Go Of The Past & Continue To Act Childish
2. That I Dont Talk To My Best Friends Anymore

One thing you love:
1. Thats A Toss Up

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[05 Apr 2006|01:27pm]
[Marital Status]serious relationship
[Shoe size]9 1/2
[Parents still together]nope
[Siblings]2 brothers 2 sisters
[Pets]4 dogs @ my moms(jughead is mine) & 3 bettas @ my house
[Color]purple & blue
[Number]30, 316
[Drinks] Bacardi 151, HotDamn, Pucker
[Soda] Orange Faygo or Code Red
[Book] anything James Patterson (Alex Cross Series)
[Flower] HmMm i dont really know
[Color your hair?] I Have But Not Recently
[Twirl your hair?] Ive Been Told I Do
[Have tattoos?] No
[Have Piercings?] Yes
[Cheat on tests/homework?] Does Nicci Doing It For Me Count?
[Drink/Smoke?] Yes
[Like roller coasters?] Yes
[Wish you could live somewhere else?] Sometimes
[Want more piercings?] No
[Like cleaning?] Depends On The Mood
[Write in cursive or print?] Print - I HATE My Cursive
[Own a web cam?] No
[Know how to drive?] Of Course
[Own a cell phone?] Yes
[Ever get off the damn computer?] Yes - LoL Im Barely On It Anymore
[Been in a fist fight?] With My Brother
[Considered a life of crime?] No
[Considered being a hooker?] No
[Lied to someone?] Doesnt Everyone
[Been in love?] Yes
[Made out with JUST a friend?] No
[Been in lust?] Probally
[Used someone] Im Sure I Have
[Been used?] Im Sure I Have
[Been cheated on?] Yes
[Kicked someone in the nuts?] HmM I Dont Think So
[Stolen anything?] Doesnt Everyone
[Held a gun] Yes - LoL Sadly I Thought It Was A Lighter,LONG STORY
[Current clothing] PJ Pants & Hoodie
[Current mood] Annoyed
[Current taste] Newport & Pepsi
[What you currently smell like] Newport
[Current hair] A Mess
[Current thing I ought to be doing] My Damn Laundry
[Current cd in stereo] Eminem
[Last book you read] Haunted - Never Did Finish It
[Last movie you saw] Derailed
[Last thing you ate] Pizza
[Last person you talked to on the phone] Damn Recording From DTE
[Do drugs?] No
[Believe there is life on other planets?] Eh No
Remember your first love?] Yes
[Still love him/her?] Hell No
[Read the newspaper?] Yes
[Have any gay or lesbian friends?] I Dont Think So
[Believe in miracles?] Yes
[Do well in school?] Depends On The Subject
[Wear hats] No
[Hate yourself?] Sometimes
[Have an obsession?] No
[Collect anything?] Eminem Memoribila(?)
[Have a best friend?] Thought I Did
[Close friends?] A Few
[Like your handwriting?] No
[Care about looks] No
[First crush] Jonathan - Elementry
[First kiss] Jonathan - If Being 5 Counts
[Do you believe in love at first sight?] Yes
[Do you believe in "the one?"] Yes
[Are you a tease?] No
[Too shy to make the first move?] No
[Daydreamer] Yes
[Bitch/Asshole] Yes
[sarcastic] Yes
[Angel] I Wish
[Devil] No
[Shy] Sometimes
[Talkative] Yes

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Im BaCk!!! [05 Apr 2006|12:59pm]
[ mood | annoyed ]

i dont know how often i'll use this thing but lately ive been like "hey i should update - oh yea i deleted my journal" so i reactivated it for the time being.

ive been sitting on the phone for 1hr and 21min with DTE trying to get myself back on a budget plan. this is fucking ridiculous. theres honestly no reason to be on hold this long. fucking morons.

and to think i still have more phone calls to make cuz i need to find a new doc - i hate making phone calls, that is unless its for my own amusement - know what i mean.

the apartment is officially mine hence the horrible call to DTE. once its done and over with tho things should be alright. im freaking afraid ima lose my signal on my cell. that would fucking suck.

work is a piece of shit. i hate my job. i dont even want to begin to discuss that shit.

i need to get to my moms and pick up her computer cuz chris is coming this weekend to take this one. i really just want to ask her how much she wants for it but at the moment i cant afford shit. im so fucking broke its not funnie. thats life tho right, i need a new job - one that pays better.

opening weekend at the dunes was this past weekend. my mom and everyone went up. i wanted to go so bad but i didnt take the time off - for that matter i dont think i could have taken the time off. i hope rob sucks it up this summer and decides he wants to go cuz i think i'd miss him if i left to go all weekend and he stayed home.

i need to get over to SOS and get my shit changed over. my cable bill is fucking ridiculously high, they had shit for deals going on. but it was cheaper to get digital than basic so i have on demand which is pretty sweet. i wanted to go with WOW cuz they had some real decent deals but they dont service my area. fuckin retards.

hmmm i got a ton of laundry to do cuz i havent done any in like 3 weeks and i cant even start it bc my battery is dead and i dont want to lose the call and sit on hold for another 2 hours. did i mention how bad this is running my minutes up? yea - they should pay my fucking phone bill....

HmMm i think thats enough of my bitchy rant - i'll finish later

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the beginning of a stressful night.... [01 Mar 2006|07:42pm]
[ mood | hopeful ]

i feel like a mother and a lil gurl all in one.

gary sold the fifty-eight. $8500. the guys gonna western union him $3000 and then give him the rest when he gets the car. so what do i get? a phone call. "hey babe, im not gonna see you till tomarrow we're going to new york." and the stress begins. now i know how my mom felt when bryen up and left to pick up a car in NY. what the hell is it with ppl and cars in NY. geeze-o-petes. they should be leaving in about less than an hour. its gonna be a long night. probally a sleepless night, and on top of it all im home alone. i dont like that - its where the lil girl is kickin in with me..heh! i wish i could get ahold of samantha. i need someone here with me. well not necessarily need but want. they're gonna try the canadian route first but they dont know if rob can get across without his birth certificate. if not they're taking the OH-PA-NY route which is only like an hour longer. i just hope they dont get lost. cross your fingers for me that all goes well. if it does - i think this means he gets his liscense sooner than expected which would be fucking awesome. but until they get home and he walks thru this door, im not even gonna think about it.

i need something to occupy me...

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as time passes.... [28 Feb 2006|10:57pm]
[ mood | sick ]

i decided today that i hate my job. they put me at woodhaven because they think that im more than qualified to handle the store yet every five minutes someone is checking up on me making sure that im doing okay. this started sunday. the phone calls didnt end. then today i opened and first thing greg is there checkin on me tellin me that it isnt that much to handle i should be fine but if i need anything at all just to call his cell. hello you fucking morons --- i came from taylor. i spent three years of my time at PSP at Taylor. that is the busiest store between the three. they do a fourth more than woodhaven in a given day and twice as much as dearborn. i think i can handle it. i dont think anyone can experience a hectic day till you work a sunday with linda at taylor. yet that can never even happen again cuz they fired linda. kinda sad. then again its not cuz i think she sucked at what she did. always had everyone else doing the shit she didnt want to do and let me remind you that she was fucking annoying....im gettin so frustrated with that place it isnt funnie. im at dearborn for three days a week and woodhaven for two days a week. im back to working all weekend long again and its fucking pissing me off. i need a new job. only this economy sucks ass and i dont think at the moment that i could find a new one that pays as well as what im getting paid.

things are pretty rocky with my home life. i dont know what to do anymore. im losing patience with the everyday drama and im completely over being nice about the shit. i dont want to deal with it anymore. its unnecessary. i have to renew the lease on my apartment this month. i really need to sit back and think about it because im debating on if i want to move again or not. too many people know where im at and it eventually gonna get to the psycho bitch herself. i have to deal with the drama enough thru my phone i dont need the shit at home too. i dont know if i'll beable to afford it on my own tho. so much weight on my shoulders its not even funnie. its times like this that i wish i had someone that i trusted that i could just sit back and talk to. between shannon and samantha they've been the best but i feel bad for always talkin their ears off with my drama filled life. kinda like rob said the other night? do we just end all this shit already? what do you think? no comment please - im sure your not even taking that statement for what its meant to be....

i was talking to nicci today - we went to lunch @ pizza hut. we were walking around the store tho waiting for ryan to get back from the bank and started talkin bout some shit. she was saying this and that bout ashleigh and blah blah blah. i dont want to hear about ashleigh. i miss her. i miss those kids, and to constantly put it in my face that she wont have anything to do with me i dont appreciate. she made the comment awhile back that ive lost both my "best friends" because of a guy. only i didnt lose them they walked outta my life. i was never like hey i have to chose and i chose him. they just stopped coming around. nicci says its cuz she doesnt feel welcomed? what the fuck ever, maybe if she didnt talk so much shit about him to the point that he now hates her she would feel welcomed. its like i found someone that i appreciate and that appreciates me and cares for me and loves me beyond explaining and now everyone looks at him like hes robbie treating me like a piece of shit or something. tell me one thing that hes ever done wrong to me. what was the comment made today? what does he do for you? he does anything in the world for me. he keeps me company, he cares for me, he helps me with the bills, hes given me more good times out than i can count, and most of all he believes in me. of all the guys i been thru with or without broken hearts hes my one. im krazy for him. i wish people could just look at us and see that we're happy and see that we have an awesum relationship - but instead they look at us and look down on me and think of him as an asshole. explain that one to me? i dont understand it. it was ashleigh that i spent countless nights on the phone with talking to her about how much i liked him adn listening to her tell me to just go for it, that i needed someone to make me happy and it was nicci that sat in the car next to me and told me no matter what she would be behind me 110% and she would be happy for me....now six months later i dont even have either of their friendships because i chose to date him and stay with him thru thick and thin.

thanks guys - that one just made me cry.

new note....im thinking if i stay at this apartment im start school now that im almost thru with financial aid and get a year in just so i have my basics in line and when my lease is up move to TN. ive wanted to live there since i was like 14 or maybe younger. i want a new start. i want to get away from all the drama here. i just want to be happy without everyone around me dragging me down. i was talkin to my mom about it and she says im krazy but she'll allow it as long as shes allowed to visit anytime she wants. she made me laugh and cry at the same time. i love her to death. oh and her other stipulation was that i had to at least finish college down there if i do move. i dont think she thinks im serious but i am. its so beautiful there, n let me tell ya if greg can survive there im positive that i can. heh.


i feel like crap. i think im catching whatever is going around work. i keep burning up but the second i put on a tank top im freezing. i cant get comfortable. im sleepy too. i think thats what im bout to do. lay down and try to sleep. yet im sure the second i fall asleep rob will be callin to tell me hes home...i really need to get that boy a key, LoL. i'll have to remember that.

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::yawn:: [04 Jan 2006|07:24am]
[ mood | awake ]

im actually not even all that tired this morning but im yawning like a mother fucker. kinda amuzing.

one more week of these early mornings and then brandon gets to take em over! gotta love it. shannons ready to pop any day now - which is kinda scary cuz shes still working. hopefully she dont go into labor at work or nothing. that would kinda suck. this is her last week tho and the week is half over so im sure she'll make it thru just fine.

its almost 730 and our hollywood order has yet to get here. makes me wonder if they went and picked up the prebook first or something. eight fucking pallets gotta love it. then again gotta love being able to sit at work and just play around for two hours on the computer.

so tomarrow is thursday and tomarrow i get my check AND i still have $18 in the bank. I survived the first week of the new year being flat out broke. yay me. heh. its all good. this week we should get back on track money wise. yet we still have yet to get the truck fixed. im thinkin bout just going and seeing if murrys or somebody has the parts and taking it out to garys to have him fix it that way it gets done but im half scared to drive all the way out there with no brakes and no brake fluid meaning the brakes could freeze up at any moment. idk - i guess we'll have to see what happens this week. theres still 2 more days to go before its over.

i need to make it to the mall to see if they have my wallet yet for the purse joey bought me for xmas. i really want to switch over but i dont even have a wallet that will match until i get the one i want. it makes me wonder where all my purses went.

went to my moms yesterday and started cleaning out my closet. it was sorta sad. they're making my room into a game/smoke room for the boys. thus meaning my next trip over there i have to take down all my posters. it'll be a sad day in that house when them walls are bare again. real sad day. what can ya do tho - i dont live there anymore. yet at the same time it almost makes me feel like im not welcome back either. kinda sux.

aww and when i was cleaning out my closet if came across my flute which brought back memories and i could only find like 2 sheets of music so i went with it and tried to play and i can barely remember the notes. it was sad. heh. i ended up having to refresh my memory by playing 'my heart will go on' which mind you is the most annoying song ever. i wish i could find my binder with all my shit in it including my starters book which has all the freaking notes. i searched all over my room tho and couldnt find it. yet i finally picked up the broken glass from the mirror that was in there only to come across another frame or something that the glass was broken on but i didnt pick that up. i just left it. my next day off is gonna be like spring cleaning over there. i have so much shit to go thru its not even funnie. i found a box from like ten years ago when i first moved to DH that wasnt even unpacked. its all old shit from when i moved from dearborn. made me want to cry. it was weird.

me and rob had a talk the other night and decided that we're gonna stay out in woodhaven for another year and then look for a house. his reasoning is that if he ends up going to jail next month for however long then he feels safter with me being there cuz he knows i can afford it on my own. my reasoning was because i like it alot out there and basically i dont feel like moving agian already. the way i look at it is by next year my credit should be cleared up and that way whether i decide to rent or buy i'll have better options. im leaning toward buying a lil bit bc i want something permanent thats mine but i dont know. thats a big step for me - for us at that. i guess we'll have to wait and see where we're at in a year and go from there. either way - woodhaven is the final decision, or is it brownstown i forget?!?

but anyways - off the see what my order looks like, i'll be back probally next week!

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i fucking hate earlie mornings..... [28 Dec 2005|07:39am]
[ mood | exhausted ]

this shit is wearing me out. i woke up at a quarter to six this morning freaking out cuz i thought i was running late. dont know what that thought ran thru my head but it definatly got my ass outta bed quick. heh.

eight more hours to go (im @ work) we dont even open for another hour and twenty minutes. now tell me why the hell does hollywood have to come so fucking earlie? i dont know either.

read my whole mary,mary book yesterday. fucking insane. kept going back and fourth with it until my laundry was done then i went and got rob, came home made dinner, and went back to my book after i found out gimore girls wasnt on bc the fucking pistons game. it was good tho. i <3 james patterson. by the ending tho im thinking this just might be the last of the series. ya never know tho cuz he tried to pull that like three books ago and look what happened.

i feel like ima fall asleep at this desk - not the first time but definatly not a good thing either. i'll be wakin up to the phone scaring the shit outta me. shannons last week is coming up fast. kinda sad. ima miss her...lol =).

gotta take heather to the mall tomarrow cuz neil got her some gift cards. im comtemplating if i want to put the wallet that matches my purse on my credit card or if im just gonna bite the time and get it sometime next month. i really wanna switch purses too but im dead broke and i dont have a matching wallet. we'll have to see what my bill is down to. i think its around $400 already which is good. its getting there.

so woke up yesterday morning with a flat that was great. it all started on xmas eve when i hit the railroad tracks and then had to slam on my breaks cuz the fucktard in front of me. it was holding up exceptionally well tho and then yesterday we get ready to leave and it was flat as a pancake. james came out with the wrecker and picked it up. when they was pullin it up the lil ramp thing the tire came off the rim. kinda pissed me off cuz i cant afford a damn rim for it. nonetheless he took it to muscat and had both front tires replaced as my bday present. day late but nonetheless it was a helpful gesture. i needed tired bad. YET - on the way to my moms yesterday my brakes went out. that was fucking awesome. it was the more stressed and terrifying ride of my life. thinking at any moment someone in front of me was gonna slow down too quick and i was gonna slam into them. i made it to the house safe tho thankfully. so now im back to james truck until i can afford to get the brakes done. i guess some caliper or something leaked all the break fluid out resulting in no breaks. gotta love vehicles. i dont!!! i miss my car =(

i think its time to go smoke right quick cuz its almost eight which means the phone will start to ring soon. damn early bird - we dont fucking open till nine! get it thru your heads....

i'll be back

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im pooped [20 Dec 2005|04:18pm]
[ mood | tired ]

i been runnin around from city to city all morning. woke up at 730 and been on the go since 8am.

Rob went to see his PO@Southgate today - we now have until Feb 2nd to come up with a grand. the pressure is adding. made it out to wayne to pay his other probation which is now in the 3 hundreds so its half a smile. we're getting there. slowly but surely.

made it to target today to pick up the odds and ends for xmas and of course walked out without the things i went for. go figure. got a lil grocery shopping done and cleaned up the house. i got the bathroom left but i dont feel like tackeling that one at the moment. im smokin a cigg chaning and headin out to my mommas house to pick rob up and then goin and chillin at Sams for a few. i think ima make a decent dinner tonite tho so i dont know if all my plans for the night are going to go as planned. we'll see tho as the time goes by.

rode with joey down to this auto sales place that hes tryin to get a job for. took the long way of Michigan Ave to Downtown and back up fort until we could find it. made me laugh right quick. its the place with the lil scarecrow dude. half intresting lil guy. brought back memories. on the way home found out that they relayed the part of fort under the bridge half decently. theres still quite a few bumps in that road tho. thought of ash while i was driving thru there. i miss her and kiki. im sure if i knew chloe i would miss her too. shit i miss the fact that i dont know her yet and shes two months old already. i wish she would talk to me. it sux how ppl change.

gotta drop by PSP18 sometime tonite too and see if Pam is workin. i havent talked to her in sometime. im sure theres some catching up to do. besides i miss that place.

got work at 7 in the morning AGAIN and im not looking forward to it although when Brandon comes over im sure i'll miss those earlie mornings once im closing all the damn time. work is work.

gotta remember to pay my visa friday. i dont have the money in the bank right now cuz im dead broke and the bill is due monday. happy fucking birthday to me.

having xmas dinner over there with my family + mark. should be intresting. i guess tho we're having like a big dinner at my moms on xmas eve and then xmas day we're just gonna do the gift thing and a lil lunch thingamajig over here. we'll see how that one goes.

re-runs on ABCFAM - gotta love it. awww gilmore girls is on tonite too. i wonder if its gonna be a new episode. we'll have to watch and see. but its time for me to head out cuz i gotta stop at blockbuster right quick my movie is now two days late. oppps. thank god for no more late fees.

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Rest In Peace Lil Guy ;( [14 Dec 2005|08:07am]
[ mood | sad ]

i woke up this morning and was walking backwards into my living room (i was huggin on rob as he was walkin) and all of a sudden he starts tellin me he loves me and this and that and i was like what the hell is goin on i know we got into it a lil bit the night before but i thought things we're all straighted out and shit and then i turn around
Stick was dead!

it was a sad sad moment in our lil apartment. he was our lil buddy. and i always thought when fish died they floated to the top?!? nope, not my lil guy, he was chillin at the bottom with him damn eyes open. what am i gonna do? i cant flush him. rob said he'll take care of it.

im heartbroken.

::shakes her head::

i just keep tellin myself it was just a fish -LoL-

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imconfused [13 Dec 2005|06:20pm]
[ mood | annoyed ]


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frozen fingers [08 Dec 2005|09:48am]
[ mood | awake ]

i hate this damn weather. i wish it was still summer but then id probally be complaining that its too hot outside. i hate michigan. that just bout sums it up dont it? nah - i love it here. i dont think id ever leave. maybe the city im in and move a lil more up north but not the state.

im starting to get restless. the internet sux. theres nothing to do on it anymore. i dont want to go to sleep because then i'll be tired tonite at work and it will make the day drag. YuCk! i hate these types of days.

i gotta go to the doctors in the morning cuz the rash on my neck. i got an 8 o'clock appointment. why i scheduled it that earlie i'll never understand but i guess its better to just do it and get it over with dont ya think? at least tomarrows my off day. i wanna try to get some xmas shopping done depending on how much my check is. i gotta pay my cell too. i hope i dont forget bout that cuz i just now remembered. that wouldnt be good.

tiffany had her baby on tuesday. congrats to her. shes got a lil gurl. she was born at 415pm 6lbs 13oz and 22in. i wanted to go see her this morning cuz shes still in the hospital but i dont have a ride out there. it sux pretty bad. i'd take james truck but i dont have any money to put in the gas tank and theres not enough gas to get me there and back. im gonna try and make it over there this weekend tho so hopefully things work out.

ash called me yesterday which kinda suprised me. i was at work so i couldnt take the call but when i called her back she didnt say much of anything so i dont know what was up with that. she was suppose to call me back last night when she got off of work but didnt. thats normal when it comes to her. i guess me too tho cuz i never call her back when i say im going to. she claims shes still gonna come home in febuary. i hope so. i miss them. plus i wanna see chloe and kiara.

i kinda hope it snows tonite. i wanna go to the light fest but i want alot of snow to be on the ground. it'd be prettier that way. maybe we'll go saturday night. we'll have to see. i know sunday we're suppose to take shelby downtown to go ice skating. im not sure if thats a fer sure thing or not tho. we'll have to just wait and see.

ive been updating this thing alot lately. kinda weird. it keeps me occupied for the time being tho.

oh yea - went tuesday night on my way home and got the Em cd. almost walked out buying the edited version but headed back and fixed that right quick. just got the basic version cuz they didnt have the special edition. i was so disappointed. then nicci went to target last night and found the special editon so she picked it up for me. im so excited. i wanna listen to it but i cant until xmas cuz i promised rob i wouldnt. he wanted to buy it for me for xmas and i wouldnt let him cuz i thought they were gonna sell out and he wanted to wait until closer to xmas to pick it up. hello its EminEm - his shit dont stay around very long. heh. either way i got both discs so im a happy camper.

i need to get ahold of rob and let him know that he needs to find a ride to his angermanagement tonite cuz i have work and fat man is acting like an ass and has "runnin around" for bryen to do and bry was his original ride. fuckin blows. i hate worrying bout him not making it there. but its like if he dont make it there then hes gonna violate and then shits gonna hit the fan.

wow - Em has a video out for 'when im gone' i didnt know that until just now. and damn does that boy look good as fuck :) as always! it makes me sick to hear the news that hes gonna remarry kim. blah. i thought he was actually smart. guess not. heh. its all good. i still love him! LoL

HmMmm - time to find a game to occupy a lil more time.

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my feets are icicles [06 Dec 2005|08:20am]
[ mood | sleepy ]

damn i knew it was cold out this morning when i left to take rob to work but i didnt think that it was only 10 degrees and a -6 with a wind chill at that. HmmMm - it didnt feel THAT cold but yes it was cold.

its my day off and all i wanted to do is sleep in a little bit and im afraid if i lay down to go back to sleep im not gonna wake up until god knows when and thus i will not get anything done today. i need to clean up a lil bit. i need to get my laundry done. i need to do alot.

Curtain Calls came out last night and anytime Em has ever came out with a new cd me and nicci have went to meijer (all ways canton i believe) right at 12am and got it when it was released and then drove around listening to it until it was over. we didnt do it this time. it was kinda weird. it was like a kick in the ass that shit just aint the same no more. what can ya do tho. people change and grow apart huh. i didnt even get the cd. can you believe that? i cant either. im broke tho so its gonna have to wait till friday.

went gocery shopping last night and finally got food in this house of mine. bout damn time. i was amazed i went with $100 and only spent $100 almost to the pennie. good stuff. i had freakin $17 in bottle returns too. that made me laugh. i was tryin to tell rob that the closet was building up but NoOoo he didnt want to listen to me. its all good he'll learn sooner or later.

i think im bout to get screwed outta this truck that mark was gonna sell me. he said originally that he wanted $1500 for it and he'd take $100 a month and now james is talkin that he wants $100 every other week. i cant do that shit. thatd be another $300 added to the rest of my bills and i cant afford that right now. i fuckin hate fat-man. hes on my last nerve. shits bout to hit the fan when it comes to him.

my moms cell got turned off again thus meaning i need to watch my minutes again. shitty shitty. i need to get my credit card back so i can order her the xmas gift i wanna get her. they got some cute ass smores out and she doesnt have them. i should look into that when im done with this.

i need to start laundry but im dreading it. lol. i hate doing laundry.

but i think thats what im bout to do. then ima take a shower.

ahh theres the shadow in the window again. i wonder if theres a door out there. HmMm -

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MY version of 2005 in Review! [06 Dec 2005|08:16am]
1) Was 2005 a good year for you?
i'd definalty have to say so - then again it did have its ups and downs

2) What was your favorite moment of the year?
angermanagement for sure, moving out comes in second, then of course gettin my hands on rob, ah i for got my promotion too....lol - i have alot of fav's this year

3) What was your least favorite moment of the year?
maybe being transferred from #18 to #90, oh and my niece being sick sux horribly too

4) Where were you when 2005 began?
my mommas house

5) Who were you with?
Nicci. Then Bobby came over and stole our pizza. Then we went to Ashleighs to smoke a cigarette. Then we came back and we continued to get plastered.

6) Where will you be when 2005 ends?
my house!

7) Who will you be with when 2005 ends?
hopefully friends but if all else fails - i got rob no matter what

8) Did you keep your new years resolution of 2005?
i dont think i made one.

9) Do you have a new years resolution for 2006?
yea to get my ass in school already, its callin my name

10) Did you fall in love in 2005?
fortunatly yes

11) If yes, with who?
who do ya think shithead

12) If yes, do they know?
i tell 'em on a daily basis

Wheres #13??

14) You regret it?
never - im happier right now than ive ever been

15) Did you breakup with anyone in 2005?
HmM it was the offical END of me and robbie sometime this past year - thank god

16) Did you make any new friends in 2005?
no i dont have a life - i work too god damn much

17) Who are your new friends?
my co-workers if anyone....i <3 jess h.

18) What was your favorite month of 2005?
probally may cuz i got to see ash, then aug for the concert, rob, moving out, seeing ash again, ect.

19) Did you travel outside of the US in 2005?

20) How many different states did you travel to in 2005?
Well... we went to FL in April. Then we drove to FL in Aug - so we went thru MI, OH, TN, GA, and FL

21) Did you lose anybody close to you in 2005?
no thankfully

22) Did you miss anybody in the past year?

23) What was your favorite movie that you saw in 2005?
HmMm maybe four brothers - i havent seen many movies this year

24) What was your favorite song from 2005?
greenday - when sept. ends (?) at the moment at least

25) What was your favorite record from 2005?
it will definatly be Curtin Calls (eminem - in case your a moron)

26) How many concerts did you see in 2005?

27) Did you have a favorite concert in 2005?
Most definately. Anger Mgt.

28) did you drink a lot of alcohol in 2005?
Oh yeah. Superbowl Sunday... 4th of July... And various random times since then.

29) did you do a lot of drugs in 2005?
no druggie here

30) How many people did you sleep with in 2005?
LoL - one or two i cant remember

31) Did you do anything you are ashamed of this year?
not that i can think of - im a good gurl ;)

33) What was the worst lie someone told you in 2005?
heh - nicci lying to me bout liking my boyfriend, it hurt my feelings

34) Did you treat somebody badly in 2005?

35) Did somebody treat you badly in 2005?
Umm Sure?

36) How much money did you spend in 2005?
shit - too much im sure

37) What was your proudest moment of 2005?
stepping outta my mommas house and actually having a place of my own!

38) What was your most embarrassing moment of 2005?
The drunken times - eh probally not cuz im not a stupid drunk

39) If you could go back in time to any moment of 2005 and change something, what would it be?
probally the fact that i lost both my best friends over a guy whens hes not even bad. yet i wouldnt even change that cuz i wouldnt want to lose him. if they were tru friends they would have stuck around not matter what. its not like this relationship is anything near what i had in the past.

40) What are your plans for 2006?
Im thinkin of buying a house - scary
i want to go to school - criminal justice
i want another promotion - assistant manager
I NEED A FUCKING CAR! - first on the list ;)
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