[ a S h L e Y ] (orange_faygo_04) wrote,
[ a S h L e Y ]

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it's been years....

i haven't used this thing in ages. Let alone do i doubt anyone else does nowadays.  it took me a good minute to remmeber the password!  now to get to the point - i posted a blog on my myspace to vent to those who were getting to me. Then i realized the two people who needed to read it couldn't because it's a private page.

So whether you read this today, tomarrow, in a month, or in a year - you'll read it eventually. You'll pass it on and you'll both understand. you'll understand that how much both of you hurt me. you'll understand how betrayed i felt when everything went down & how i miss having both of you in my life. it's the little things that make me think of you and the crazy gossip that makes me want to pick up the phone and call. the bad times when i need a good friend to talk to until i feel as though i'm all talked out. When those times come around is when i miss you guys the most. When i wonder why everything had to happen the way that it did.  Everyone knows that friends grow apart and eventually lose contact with one another but i never expected to lose either of you. How did that voicemail go again? My peechy-keen perfect life? No one ever said i was perfect and i damn sure never tried to act it. i bust my ass for the things i have in life. i work my ass off to keep myself out of debt and make ends meet. I'm sorry i was never the party type or the big drinker. Yea, i'd have to admit when it comes to being out-going i need a lil help but ya know what, i like who i am. i like spending time at home watching movies, playing cards, or just sitting around bullshitting all night. i dont have the money to waste going to the bars and casinos. i have bills to pay and a life to keep up with. I know between the both of you it's rob that you blame. i never understood that. i'm sorry that i'm happy and found someone that loves me as much as i love him. i'm sorry that i decided that i wanted to settle down at a young age. he doesnt hold me back though. i still do what i want just as much as he does what he wants. he didnt take me from you guys. if anything it was being an adult and being on my own that took me away. i dont think anyone ever realizes how hard it is living on your own. the bills never stop. the money is never enough. it's a constant fight to make ends meet.  this past week i've heard from the both of you in one way or another...WHY? you both made it obvious that friendships were ended. i'm getting over that. slowly but i am. as time goes by its memories that keep coming back. i'm not ready to be civil. you've both made the past few months of my life hell. between the 4am phone calls from ram's horn to all the magazines in rob's name and of course all the prank phone calls. which reminds me the oompa loompa voicemail actually made me laugh once i figured out what the hell was screaming in my ear. I'm not childish. I dont understand why you have to be. I didn't flood your mail box with bullshit or blow your phones up with private calls at all hours of the day. i simply let you go. i'm an adult. i'm not a kid. i don't know if i could ever be friends with either of you again. like my blog below says...my heart was broken and in the worse way. it takes time to heal, if it ever does. when it comes down to it whether any of us ever speak again or not - i will always miss you guys. i'll never forget the memories and i have more than enough pictures to make me always remember the good times. pictures are worth a million words. i hope what you've read has hit home. i hope you find it in your hearts to realize that i'm being sincere and truthful with what i feel. i hope this situation is no longer a joke to either of you. mostly, i hope at some point ths entry makes your cry because lord knows i have quite a few times with writing both of these entries. goodbye for now!

(taken from myspace blog)
At times, i have a way with words....
Sometimes the most unexpected happenings make you think. They make you think of the past, the present, and the future. They make you think of the good times, the bad times, and the just plain unforgetable times. Mostly, they make you realize what is real and true in life and appreciate who and what you have. When I heard about Shelia's passing on the news it sort of hit home. For me, less than how it effected those of you that kept in touch with her and were good friends with her. It's always shocking to hear that someone you grew up with and knew has passed. Especially at such a young age. She was a beautiful, intelligent, and caring person who was definately taken too soon....Her unexpected death is what has been making me think these past few days. It makes me think of high school and all the friends that I never kept in touch with. It makes me think of the friends that I cared most about who aren't here anymore. Mostly it makes me thankful for the friends that I've kept and I know I can turn to at any moment - they'll be there. They're the true friends every girl needs. It makes me think of a saying I used to hear all the time..."I'd rather have five best friends in this life time than a hundred aquaintences!"

I got  a text the other night from a person who asked me two questions...Do I miss the things I used to have? The true friends? Since I never responded to this I decided to put all my thoughts into one post. I don't miss the things I used to have because I still have them today. The true friends? I have those too and apparently they're individuals who are more true than some of you in my past. They're the ones who wouldn't try to bring me down & hurt me for no apparent reason. They're the ones that no matter what the situation might be, have been there for me. These are people that I've known for a lesser time than I have known you. Where did that text come from? Was it out of spite & humor or was there actual feeling behind it? You say I'm the main person you miss - you did this to yourself. You threw twelve years of a friendship down the drain for what?!?!? That's what I still don't understand. Why did you try to hurt me so bad? What did I do wrong? There was never a time that I wasn't there for you even when you lived 12,000 miles away. You've been my best friend since the fourth grade. You ended our friendship on your own. Now months later you want to text me and tell me that you miss me and your sorry? Is it really that easy in your mind? I can't forgive you. Not right now and not in five months from now. Years down the road, I will try to. Like I've done with other friends who did the similar things. I can be civil with them now, knowing then it was just high school bullshit but this time around, we weren't in high school - We were two adults. I just don't understand what happened. I don't understand why you tried so hard to hurt me and ruin the things that meant the most to me. You're the lil' sister that I never had. Your the one that had the shoulder for me to cry on thru all my heartbreaks and family problems. Your the one that was suppose to be there the day I get married, have my first baby, and through any other important life changing experience I encountered. I can't forgive you - You broke my heart & in the worst way. Until the time comes when I can forgive you - I have nothing more to say. You miss me? Well I miss you too chick. I miss the girls, the memories, the talks, the late nights, but mostly - my best friend....
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